Fun and Games: Battleship Vignette
by skieswideopen
Summary: Zo'or, Liam, and Battleship. Crack.


"B3."

"B...what!? You sank my battleship!" Zo'or shrieked.

"Yeah, that happens sometimes," Liam replied unsympathetically, looking down at his own untouched fleet. "That's why they call it 'Battleship'." He popped a chip into his mouth. His newest discovery: salt-and-vinegar. None of his parents had eaten that flavour, so in retaliation it was the only kind he'd eat. At least until he got tired of it.

"But that is...it's impossible!" Zo'or sputtered. "I am a superior being! My strategy was perfect! You cannot have sunk my ship!" He pounded his fist on the floor for emphasis and hit the bowl of popcorn, sending kernels flying across the floor.

"Sorry," Liam said, looking completely unapologetic. "But hey, you still have one ship left. And I'm sure you'll hit one of mine very, very soon."

"Very well," Zo'or said, wiping the butter off his hand. "C5."

"Miss," Liam replied laconically, crunching on another chip. "D10."

Zo'or smiled wickedly. "D10 is a miss."

"What?" Liam sat up quickly, scattering salt-and-vinegar potato chips everywhere. "D10 can't be a miss, Zo'or! I had a vision! I know where all your ships are! D10 is your last ship!"

"Ah ha!" Zo'or pointed accusingly at Liam. "I knew you were cheating! I am a superior being and that is the only way you could have defeated me!"

"Hey, who's talking about cheating, Mr. 'That was a miss'?" Liam asked. "Anyway, there's nothing in the rules about using visions. I checked." He stuck out his tongue.

"Visions are clearly prohibited in the Taelon supplement to the rules. Which you would know, if you had read them."

"You haven't translated those rules into English," Liam protested.

"Ignorance is no excuse," Zo'or intoned. He walked over to the computer, pulled the popcorn off the soles of his feet, and called up the rules. "As you can see, anyone using visions immediately forfeits the game. You lose!" The Taelon turned stuck out _his_ tongue.

"Wait a minute," Liam said. Chips crunched under foot as he walked over to the computer. "That's not what it says at all! There's nothing in there about visions! These aren't even Battleship rules! This is a children's story!"

"You can read Eunoia," Zo'or said accusingly. "No human can read Eunoia without a CVI. Most of them can't read it _with_ a CVI!"

"Not too many humans have visions, either, oh superior being" Liam observed. "I've actually been meaning to tell you this, now that we're so close, you know, with all these games and everything. I'm not entirely human. I'm actually one-third Kimera."

"Ah ha," Zo'or whooped triumphantly. "If you're Kimera, you forfeit. Kimera automatically lose to Taelons in everything. It's in the global supplement to the All-Encompassing Rules."

"There's no such thing!" Liam objected.

"Of course there is," Zo'or said, pulling himself taller. "I made those rules. I'm the Synod leader. I can do anything."

"Hey! You promised you'd play fairly! No invoking Synod authority!" Liam took a threatening step towards the much shorter Taelon.

"You're the one with the visions!"

"Visions are part of a Kimera's natural ability. Asking me not to use them would be like asking me to play blindfolded."

"You've been cheating all along! That's how you always win!" Zo'or stopped and then started to laugh. "I knew it!" he gloated, dancing around. "Humans really are the inferior species! You only won because you're Kimera! I am superior!"

"Watch out!" Liam called. Zo'or twisted and crashed into the human's nearly full glass of coke, sending the drink spilling over the game. He looked down at it with chagrin.

"Ooops."

"That's the end of that game," Liam said. "The pieces will be too sticky to play now."

"So no one wins," Zo'or said.

"I guess not," Liam agreed. He paused. "Wanna play something else now? We haven't tried Twister yet."

"Okay." Zo'or tried to mop up the coke from his foot. "I didn't play many games when I was a kid," he confided. "I was an only child, growing up. The only child in my whole race. No one ever wanted to play."

"I know exactly what you mean," Liam said. "Let's go find the game. But this time, you have to promise not to throw a temper tantrum when you lose."

"I never lose my temper," Zo'or said disdainfully. "And I won't lose this game."

"Yeah, right. You always lose."

"Do not."

"Do too." Liam paused at the door and surveyed the wreckage of the room. "Think we should clean up first?"

"Let Da'an do it," Zo'or said. "Synod Leader's prerogative. Besides, it's really all his fault. If he'd played with me more as a child, I wouldn't have to cheat as an adult."

"Fine by me," Liam said. "But where do you want to play Twister? We can't play here."

Zo'or looked thoughtful. "I think if we remove the furniture from Da'an's room, there should be sufficient space."

"Too much work."

"Not if the Volunteers do it. After all, I _am_ the Synod Leader."

"Great! Let's go."

"After you," Zo'or said with a smile. "I was thinking that after we finish with Twister, we could try a new game. Have you ever heard of one called World Domination? I thought perhaps we could be on the same side for that... "


End file.
